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Sick (2022)
4/10
Wes would shake his head
18 March 2023
This film will only work for individuals born well after 1990/95, in my opinion. This is not a judgement at all on those age groupings but I will explain why. Many of you can skip the following background on K. Williamson but I feel it's important to add in.

Kevin Williamson who wrote "Scary Movie" which became SCREAM (1996) as well as Teen Drama "Dawson's Creek" which essentially a close-clone or continuation of shows like Beverley Hills 90210 or Melrose Place which targeted teenagers and young adults who would not be as keen on your traditional weekday soap operas. This phenomenon unfolded in the early 1990's with dozen's of attempts to recreate the success of 90210, Dawson's Creek coming close (but still pales in comparison) but it is worth mentioning that Dawson's had a slightly different tone to it that would go one to create several or more clones of its own that were more like Dawson's and less like Aaron Spelling's 90210.

When Scream came out there had been a huge dry spell for good Horror films in the U. S. because of lots of backlash on anything remotely involving violence, bloodshed or brutality. You would have to look to another country like say, Italy or spanish regions, even Canada for films being published in this vain during this period. One of the few directors that continued to make Horror films during this dry spell was dearly missed Wes Craven (though you might notice even HIS films at the time had a huge amount of restraint when they probably should have been gorier. The pairing of Wes Craven and Kevin Williamson gave us Scream.

While there were some exceptions with films like Popcorn 1991 and Anguish/Anguista 1997 that managed to pull off the "self aware" aspect even they paled in comparison to Scary Movie/Scream in terms of tone and execution because Scream had some "funny" and arguably "goofy" moments but they felt organic non contrived and the characters (while slightly mature in grammar for their age) were much like the characters in A Nightmare on Elm Street. In other words, the characters acted in ways that were not 100% predictable and you felt like the decisions they made no matter how impulsive or stupid still fit what any of you or I could do in that moment coining one of the best phrases used in the film that was also cleverly used in the film's trailer: "They're all the same. Some stupid killer stalking some big-breasted girl who can't act who is always running up the stairs when she should be running out the front door." -Spoken by the main character as the trailer flash-cuts to her running up the stairs to escape Ghostface's first attack on her. Things like this were atypical for Horror at the time and elevated the film. Breakthrough performance by Drew Barrymore also made the film iconic, and this film reintroduced much of the brutality and definitely lots of blood that had somehow disappeared in the 5 or so years prior where every film showed (unremarkable) restraint. In addition to this the Scream films stopped creating "boogeymen" and reintroduced an effective and great blend of murder-mystery/hitchcock/giallo feelings where the killer reveal WAS a surprise and obviously is one of the main hallmarks of all these movies.

Let's talk about SICK (2022) After all, isn't that what this is about? It's extremely hard to like the main character at all, nor her friends that comprise a very small cast of characters who use IRL tropes from the USA's failed combined effort to combat the pandemic, killing many unnecessarily and reminding us that you cannot trust anyone else with your health and even the slightest amount of entrusting it is a risk that can or will kill you.

Even after being burnt out from the pandemic and the IRL horror it caused, the film is ineffective at creating any real suspenseful moments, any effective or interesting plot/twists, and a killer reveal that is somewhat poignant and surprising but IMO certainly not redeeming of the film. Perhaps if the the revealed Killer at the end of the film had been the protagonist this could have been much more interesting although it's been done loosely similar in films like the nasty Ebola Syndrome.

You need good casting and capable actors to pull off this style of horror because these are the kind of characters you can't help but WANT to see not-survive or get picked off, but the sequence and way in which it happens is not satisfying and much of the film becomes predictable.

I can see this appealing to fans of the (in my opinion awful) television/MTV spinoff (bastardization) of Scream the TV Show, or individuals who are born well into the 90's. I'm saying this because the use of technology and other tropes will make most people (like myself in mid-30's) feeling jaded or just completely out of touch, possibly booing this film mid or at its ending.

Thankfully for you, these films now come included with you or your family friends' cable packages, so i'm not saying don't watch it, but don't make it your main feature of the evening.
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Grimcutty (2022)
2/10
Religious "Parents Beware of Internet" Farse
13 November 2022
I have absolutely nothing against people who practice any religion of their choice, but this film is absolutey SEETHING with religious agenda/dogma poorly disguised as a Halloween Made-4-TV "slasher" or "modern horror." If you're looking for a slasher or elevated horror in the way that this film presents itself (including trying to sell you that it is in the opening sequences) you're going to be disappointed.

This is something along the lines of a Lifetime-TV "parents beware of (insert trend)" coupled with a LITERAL Disney Christian Greenlit film that deals MOSTLY with the subjects of Internet/Social Media addiction and enmeshment, and how parents and kids need to do things like get a wooden chest with a padlock and place all of their devices and cell phones in it and lock it, calling it a detox box. In fairness, I actually think that while this is a bit ridiculous and impractical, it's a good idea for ANYONE to ask themselves "Is my phone a tool to function in the world or an appendage/addiction?" because most of us would have a hard time deciding or admitting. The film also tackles "family issues" like over concerned parents who become so scared and hyper-vigilant in protecting their children based out of fear that they actually perpetuate the issue further by not being willing to listen or ascertain that it may be partially their own behaviors that are making the child/young adult feel isolated, and by doing this they createe GRIMCUTTY, an internet meme that looks exactly like the character out of "Despicable Me" (which I only know from watching my nieces who enjoy those movies) What is sort of ironic is that if a child were to watch this on Hulu or Disney, they would probably be scared to death by seeing (poor but believeable enough) CGI cartoon characters that resemble those in other Disney type animated films, carrying a knife, stalking them outside their house, and coming into the house to kill them and/or their parents unless they "self-harm" themselves to death. I think this would scare them more than Friday the 13th to be quite honest, and it's creepy if you are aware that there are lots of religious ideals that the writer could not help but bury inside every single scene (most specifically what I would consider your typical warped-modern Christianity Tropes which Disney loves to exist within, minus the cutting) Self harm is a huge issue with both kids and adults, it's extremely common and it is possible that over enmeshment in social/online media could perpetuate it (in this form the vehicle for this is online TickTock "Challenges" or other trends that kids do.) This is not exactly the most accurate way to address where and why self-harm comes from because it's actually linked to situational or diagnosable clinical anxious/shizo/depressive disorders where a person is in so much pain that they choose to "sensation seek" and this can be anything from cutting their arms, to putting out cigarettes on their body, to snorting narcotic pills that they buy or procure out of a parents ill-locked medication cabinet. These are the most common forms that we see children and teens sensation seeking over the past 30+ years, the only new addition is the addition of social media (peer pressure has been present all along) Enough of my armchair psychobable, if you are watching this looking for a "horror movie" experience, you will very likely be let down unless you plan on discussing it with your local church on sunday. There are so many good indie-horror's released by different distributors this year it would be a shame to waste your viewing time on this, unless you want to see Shannyn S. In a way that will make you realize just how old you are :)
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10/10
Needs to be seen
4 December 2021
This is one of the few modern giallo that can "trick" an otherwise unaware fan of the genre into thinking it's simply a very good horror/slasher and not be put off by the premise of foreign film (as many Americans like myself are when it comes to unfamiliar territory in media and entertainment.) To those familiar with genre tropes its impossible not to see how different scenes were heavily influenced (not ripped off) by the ultra-gory giallo like Bay of Blood or Antropophagus. The film will still be extremely effective for any of the newer generations of horror fans like myself (born in the mid 80's only to discover decades later that most of the best films were made around or before I was even born.)
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Toothfairy 3 (2021)
1/10
no gore, no scares, no point
31 May 2021
Let's understand that there is a large difference between a "Lower Budget Feature" what was once called a B-Movie - and "films" like this. Louisa Warren's name is plastered all over this and as you can see just about all of her films have a less-than 2 star rating. There's a reason for this. The reason is the films have NO tropes that make zero-budget films of ANY genre enjoyable. They spent so much time creating social media marketing (and spamming) during what would have been the filming or time for the effects team to go back and fix at least some of the glaring errors. This film relies on stock footage from other films to detract from the almost zero action/bodycount. Watch "Darkness Falls" or The Dentist anyday over this!
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Tears of God (2015)
1/10
does not exist to watch
12 August 2020
Was never published/completed and save your time trying to find the movie to watch, it's not even available to paid stream.
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Absolute Zero (2015)
1/10
Not Available/Does Not Exist
12 August 2020
Had my eye on this film for a few years in watchlist. I want to save you time by letting you know you cannot buy/rent/view this movie, at all - anywhere even though it claims to have been "released" for this reason it will remain 1 star. If the movie does come out and I see it, I will change my vote.
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Sanitarium (2013)
2/10
Uncreative Bore-Fest Anthology
4 January 2014
Some horror films purposefully leave/cut out of scenes in order for your mind to fill in the blanks, perhaps creating more suspense. Some films are very in your face and over the top, leaving nothing to the imagination and often challenging us to continue watching. This movie falls under the first category. Incidentally, I don't think that was the intention of this movie as much as a latent function due to it having no subsistence.

When I hear 'Horror Anthology' I suppose I secretly hope for something along the lines of 'Creepshow' or 'Tales From The Darkside: The Movie.' But this baddie is not even in the same ballpark.

It has so much going for it in the production value, title & setting and utilizes about 5-10% of what was available. The three stories do not have any connection (not that they need to) other than Malcom Mcdowell occasionally popping up as "The Doctor" to narrate or clarify parts of the three boring stories.

This movie has zero gore, and extremely sparing use of blood. I almost wonder if they were going for a PG-13 release because other than a couple female breasts, there's nothing here to justify an R rating. Don't get me wrong, I don't think that EVERY horror movie needs to have heads rolling and blood splashing everywhere; but in the case of a boring movie like this, it would have helped. I cannot recommend this to anyone who is a horror fan.
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Under the Bed (I) (2012)
8/10
Creative and Interesting Monster Movie
6 August 2013
Most of the people tearing this movie apart and faulting it seem to base that on the fact the movie has some plot-holes and illogical jumps between sequences. I can agree with them, but a compelling seamless story with lots of character development and deeper meaning does not necessarily make for a good horror flick.

I enjoyed the movie as a whole, even as a cynical and self-proclaimed Horror Genre veteran. The first hour of the movie may have you wondering "Why is this even rated R?" "Where's the monster?" "Where's the gore" but all those questions are answered in the last 20-30 minutes, so be patient - and it will deliver.

There are no crazy Asian-ghost-girls and the movie does not rely on CGI at all. There are a handful of bloddy and gory sequences that do unfold towards the movie's end, one-upping the beginning of the movie which may have you wondering if you're watching another "Disturbia" (throws-up) or "My Soul To Take" (the worst wes craven produced movie by far)

It takes some time to get warmed up but the movie does deliver on the goods towards the end, and of course, any film involving fictitious monsters/demons living under beds is going to come across as silly and illogical on some level. You can tell the director wanted to engage the audience and give them some frights and fun, and it's production quality seems a lot higher than you would expect with a non-theatrical release. I can honestly say this is the most fun watching a new non-Hollywood horror movie in the last year, and that's out of dozens.
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Squirm (1976)
squirmy wormy
23 June 2013
well i certainly understand now why this movie remains in relative obscurity. And I think many of my fellow IMDb - *cough* armchair critics *points to self* - are probably also shaking their heads at all the people that seem to be elated while reminiscing this 'lost gem' which is a bit more like a bowell movement taken while squatting over a cliff, that snowballed down, managed to land in some type magical sinkhole that transformed it into a gem as long as you are wearing PCP goggles.

So having previously stated rather bluntly how I felt about the film. Let me take this time to remind us cult movie discoverers/guru aficionados that we should always look for the good in any effort to the genres we enjoy. because although they may, in fact suck, they have in some way or another contributed to the continuation of the genre whether the companies and directors that produced them used the disgruntled viewers money to possibly fund and produce better films.

I found it extremely hilarious that the version I viewed defaulted to having English subtitles displayed, when this person usually would usually encode the film to have the subs optional since the film is in English anyway. After about 5 exchanges of dialogue I started laughing my ass off and immediately understood why the encoder felt the need to have the optional subs for the hearing impaired on. - In non geek words - the accents in this film are so ridiculous and unintelligible that you may find yourself wondering if this movie is in some language you've never heard of. Although I'be lived in New Jersey for the last 10 years - i grew up in the Midwest and have some friends from southern states as well - I don't think any of them could understand the character dialogue in this film.

Anyway our protagonist (who quickly becomes the antagonist based not on her role in the film but the fact that she opens her mouth to speak all sorts of "chicken-gibberish-shenanigans" in an annoying southern twang that caused my 12 lb shih tzu to run up the stairs after about 30 seconds. and he will watch a saw movie on my lap without being phased.

OK so our protagonist decides that she wants to ambiguously flirt-tease the families farm hand before she decides to take his pick-up truck to drive though the woods to pick up her boyfriend who was trying to arrive via a bus and carried with him various knapsacks of unnecessary size while securing multiple fishing rods under his arms that struck all the other passengers (including an infant) on his way off the bus because he elected to shortcut through the woods to meet up with his two-timing jive-turkey mama because the road the bus was travelling was apparently unable to traverse over a few puddles to its intended destination.

so they drive a truck filled with mutant worms that turn people into worm people or something. Not a lot of impressive special effects or impressive scenes at all for that matter.

But again, if you have some sort of Japanese Tenticle Slug fetish, this might be right up your alley. If this movie did anything positive for me it was reminding me of the classic 90's sidescrolling shooter series 'Metal Slug' which kinda has nothing to do with this movie but I thought was worth sharing anyway.
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The Wicked (2013 Video)
1/10
makes Superstition (1982) look like a masterpiece
16 June 2013
I dislike having to write negative reviews. I also love (most) movies that contain evil witch lore, and was hoping this movie would be entertaining like some other reviewers had promised. Sadly, it is not. I will say that the movie does do a good job of appearing to be well-made, but also contradicts itself in some of the worst ways possible. There is decent camera-work, lighting, and cinematography. The actors are NOT as bad as most cast-type teenagers (the characters are pretty flat and boring however.)

The only reason I felt I should give it a chance was the promise of 'Gore' and some decent Fantasy inspired effects. The CGI special effects are simply put, terrible. We're talking default rendering presets that aren't shaded or blended correctly and simply look hideous. There is also about 10 seconds of RELATIVE 'gore' but simply put, it's lame and uncreative. The movie fails to create any suspense or even startle the viewer which is usually the foundation of a good horror movie. The entire movie also takes place at night in the woods (yawn) so there are no sets or practical scenarios (i think had they expanded some of the scenes to take place in practical every-day places it might have worked better for the suspense element.) But they choose to enter the exact same haunted witch house (at least 7 separate times after escapting) and run a muck through the woods, then back to the house again each time a different friend disappears. I am also at a loss to understand how a house that's been abandoned for 100's of years has cans of aerosol spray.

Do yourself a favor and dig up 'Dead Silence' 'Superstition' or 'Darkness Falls' Darkness falls is only rated pg-13 (which is usually a deal breaker for me) but is still about 100 times better than 'The Wicked'
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Jack's Back (1988)
1/10
no action, no suspense, zero gore, 100% bore
12 June 2013
in theory this movie should/could have been awesome. unfortunately, it's probably the single most disappointing little known 80's B Horror film i've managed to track down in all my years of horror viewing. I love 'those' types of movies, the complete freedom to be crazy, violent, ridiculously funny, or even scary and disturbing if the colours are mixed correctly. This movie is none of those things. The 'ripper' is not-so-elegantly foreshadowed by his first 2 lines in the first 5 minutes in the movie, so even the most unsophisticated viewer will know exactly what will transpire towards the end. Also the red herring is shamelessly gallivanted around as if to say "it's this guy, its this guy, it's THIS GUY. And I think most of the IMDb and cult horror viewers like myself will struggle to not roll their eyeballs completely out of their sockets during the course of this movie.

OK so the plot stinks! The acting is alright, there's a bit of a sub- plot love story between a younger more attractive James Spader (look up recent pictures of him as an example of how to NOT age gracefully :( and he's just not sexy enough to carry the 'mysterious dark loner' type guy. While horror movies do NOT need to have explicit amounts of gore or violence in order to be good; it certainly tends to help in films like this that just end up being completely boring.

I'm assuming this film was originally produced to air on TV and then later video as even the uncut version has zero nudity or violence. Jack the ripper would be ashamed if he had seen this.

That being said, if you really enjoy James Spader and whatever lady he co-stars with, if you have an affinity for slightly trashy murder mysteries (sans the mystery in this case) or if you had seen this movie decades ago, perhaps it is worth a revisit :)

*also* be on the lookout for the single most ridiculous uppercut/ninja punch that I cannot believe wasn't edited out to look less ridiculous.
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2/10
Berberian Bore Studio
20 May 2013
having all of the makings to be extremely interesting but isn't. I believe many people are defending and glorifying this movie on the grounds of "it's not supposed to be horror it's drama/surrealist" and I totally am down for that - had the director managed to do anything interesting.

this surrealist movie is pretentious to the very last frame with no real discernible crescendo or memorable scenes. i think it's very obvious they have still resorted to using horror conventions like undesirable static and white noise (if you have sensitive ears do NOT see this at the movie theatre) to loud gong and cymbal crashes after long pauses of silence in order to 'jolt' you. even so, it's definitely not very interesting, remarkable, or scary.

the ending credits shamelessly trample over Goblin's Suspiria theme however it is slightly transposed and the stepping is different (i'm assuming this was intended) at the same time, there are currently a small handful of better horror films being released this year (Maniac) and the hopeful remake of (Suspiria) and possible (Jeepers Creepers 3)
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Maniac (2012)
9/10
This is how we do it
20 May 2013
i discovered the original 'Maniac' at a younger age from a VHS my friend's father had. How could an 8 year old psychotic child such as myself resist watching a movie with a decapitated head being held and a bloody knife on the cover?! I can also remember revisiting it about 3 years ago in it's full uncut integrity and perhaps appreciating it more as an 'adult' viewer and enjoyed it much more than (Henry: Portrait) which seems to get a better rap. But enough about the original; this film is one of the very few examples of how to do a remake.

The idea of remaking semi-cult horror from the 70's and 80's has been no new concept in the last 10 years, especially for Alexandre Aja (who in all fairness, I did not realize was the director until i viewed the credits) who produced super-sleeper awesome gem 'High Tension' and a commendable darker remake of Wes Craven's 'The Hills Have Eyes' in 2006. Since then, i've been less than thrilled with his work; but I believe he has picked a good team as of late, casted this movie very well, and did this movie justice.

Speaking of justice, I think this movie deserved a full major theatrical release (not because of Mr. Wood) in comparison to 'Mirrors' or 'P2' But the positive side of that is that the movie had the freedom to be pretty much as violent, wild, and intense as it wanted - and it worked. Many movies can fit in a lot of gore, brutality, or dark mood; but often these are not combined properly, hence effacing the other. Al gets it right in this one, by keeping all 3 in substantial balance, delivering more than one strikingly 'WTF' scenes that are absolutely cringe-worthy even to a horror nerd and seasoned gorehound such as myself.

For those of you dinosaurs who romanticize the original Maniac, i encourage you to give this one a try as it does pay homage to the original without completely ripping it off. Many parts of the plot are different; I think the most obvious being the replacement of the protagonist being an attractive male that is equally (if not more dangerous) given the fact he is naturally cunning to women. The soundtrack was also particularly well executed including a cover of the original theme and a mix of newer low key electronica and rock (worth giving a listen through the ending credits)
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Inseminoid (1981)
2/10
Abort this movie from your film bucket list
16 March 2013
One of the top reviews is very extensive and boasts this film is "Gore Galore." I didn't read that until after watching the movie and I honestly cannot understand what struck them as gory. I remember thinking that the movie could easily get away with a PG-13 rating considering it has basically no nudity or sex at all, the killings are shortcutted and mostly bloodless. Aside from that, the movie is extremely slow paced and boring. It's not bad because it was for all intensive purposes an 'Alien' rip-off, it's bad because the director used all that previously developed footing and then did nothing creative with it. So the movie gets slammed for being an Alien rip-off because not only does it follow the plotfolds of that movie 100%, but it also fails miserably to even come close to the level of suspense, writing, or neat special effects. If you want to see a cool alien rip-off that actually succeeds on some level of being creative in it's own right, then check out X-Tro, X-Tro 2, or Alien 2 : Sulla Tera.
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10/10
Makes the Last House on the Left seem cozy
9 February 2013
I grew up as a gay teen in a generation of pre-skype/fb/even before livejournal. aol chat was the most popular, and like any young guy of course i talked to a few guys, even had up my (own) picture since I was 14. In retrospect, my parents should have probably been more aware and involved as I met most of these potential acquaintances at the mall or movie theatre, places that were crowded enough that i would feel safe and not isolated. It would be hard not to notice a 6'3 blond male being chloroformed and dragged into a van, so in that sense i suppose i'd have had the upperhand. Then again, I do live in New Jersey and wouldn't be surprised at all if a huge group of people did in fact see that but were just too uninterested to do anything!

I wanted to open this one up funny, because this movie is a huge bummer. it leaves you with that pitted stomach, eyes wide open, forehead wrinkled feeling. Not because it's a bad movie but because it makes a very bold statement about what can and (still does) happen involving internet predators. Now we hear that term so much that I think we're desensitized to it. We've had 'To Catch a Predator' which seem like mostly creepers but probably just more your 'rape and run' types. You even have your more violent types that may end up murdering the child victim in a more MERCIFUL way. Those types of rapists and killers generally still have some level of consciousness that if they were to 'accidentally overharm' and then resort to snuffing out the victim, they would hopefully do so in a way that was quick for both the attacker and the victim's sake. These are I guess what you could call the 'more desirable' types of predators out there (i know this may sound audacious.) The antagonist here is not like any of the aforementioned, he's an S&M obsessed, torturous predator that's honed his abilities to seek out the underage, naive, boy crazy types. And the rest is just really dark and does not need explanation.

One of the more poignant things to take away from this film is that in the midst of crucial time that should have been utilized to do things like, I don't know, check the girls computer considering it's 2007? Nope, no proper leads are followed up on, and then there's always the initiative of 'a town banding together to find ...' Which, no offense to any of you who devoted time to causes you believe in, But I think the sort of cliché 'we're all looking for...' phenomenon that always happens is perhaps an OMEN of a bad result. People are busy typing ribbons to trees and reenacting and sensationalizing the 'story' and police probably figure that "Eh, Town'll find em."

Scary in a real sense. I would like to think that the sequences and events that unfold after the first half were 'sensationalized' or took a lot of creative license to make the movie have more of an impact, but the scary thing is that what we see in the film is probably not even scratching the surface of what those girls went through during those (days/weeks) and that you can't rely on law enforcement to keep kids safe. The internet is not an evil place, but it's a portal through which one can be linked to human beings who are, in fact, evil.

see it.
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The Black Cat (1989)
7/10
Truly "awe" - full ... Certainly creative!
1 February 2013
so we all know that the first two demons movies are pretty much as good as it's going to get. i am not going to lie to you after seeing all (seven?) 'demons' movies, I can truly say that the first two entires are masterpieces and the rest are an eclectic bastard lovechildish creative, bad, and completely crazy entries.

This movie is so awful in a good way. It's also pretty hard to track down (insert obvious reasons.) It's referred too as like 7 different titles, but the one I was watching was English dubbed audio with Japanese hard subtitles. The movie shamelessly poses as 'Suspiria 2' but at the same time also seems to acknowledge what they're doing is pretty awful so they throw in a lot of funny crazy effects to distract you from the plot that includes a grand total of 4-5 people and pacing that fluctuates between wayyyyy to slow and holy crap what just happened and why?

it's not as good as the first two demons movies, but if you like to chuckle at a truly goofy and poorly made movie, this movie is a gold nugget. There's so many unintentionally hilarious moments you can't capture unless you are truly trying to make a serious effort and it just unfolds like a pile of unsorted laundry. Pretty much anything you can think may or may not explode and smoke and leak green worms and intestines WILL AND SHALL. That part's never really explained but a lot of other things are.

Hilarious dated effects guaranteed to open your eyes wider than a syfy movie creature shot. I had a fun time with it :)

"i'm in the mirror. No - i'm in the rifridgerator , Wait - I'm back in the mirror *blarchhhhh*"
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The Traveler (I) (2010)
2/10
pass it on by
11 January 2013
The good : if an ambiguously (decent) budgeted horror movie that 'looks' glossy and seemingly has good editing taking place mostly in the dark is enough to make a movie good or scary for you, and you're a val fan, then maybe this movie is for you.

For me, it started somewhat interesting, and then unfolded like the Christmas present you never wanted but totally saw coming. Val's face looks so worked on/swollen and puffy that he's either suffering from alcoholism (i'm just guessing here) or some really bad cosmetic surgery. He looks like a 50 year old German transvestite in a muscle(ish) body. It's just ackward. His face and hair are the scariest parts of this movie.

The kills are pretty lame only one was decent and that's only by comparison. Keep on Travelin'
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Nine Dead (2009)
Clarissa explains it all vs. Saw II
10 January 2013
Clarissa explains it all vs. Saw II : I really don't think there is a better way to sum this movie up. It's not 'horrible' and there are some anecdotes that actually make it a bit funny in a campy way if you are a cynical evil person like myself :) But to explain the above statement, the movie is a reductive of a Saw/Red Room type help captive facing death formula.

More interesting than an episode of Criminal Minds, but not much gorier, no truly unique or cool deaths but a few plot twists and turns that are interesting enough to finish watching - if not just to prove to yourself that you are more intelligent than the bozos the film focuses on.

A lot of people probably hated the ending, but i thought it was pretty funny and smug. Would have benefited by rolling Britney Spears - Crazy during the end credits. If you haven't seen that video since 1998 - whatever you should look it up.
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6/10
interesting, not astounding
10 January 2013
If you were referred to this movie via a search for a classic 'zombie' action/gore-er and are expecting something fast paced with a lot of cool deaths that border on action over drama and mystery - you've been misled by the title. I'm not sure the director intended us to receive this as a 'Dead/Zombi' type title, but it seems that it was marketed over here that way (and who can blame them?)

It's a pretty moderate to slow paced mystery that borrows a lot and innovates a tad (can't expect any more.) There are some cool sequences of discovering various types of secret doors inside dated structures etc. Don't expect it to be anywhere as engrossing or epic as Inferno, but in that same spirit.

What lucio fulci or argento would have done differently is probably added depth to this not by trying to overcomplicate the plot but to add in some truly scary horror elements that involve either on screen or implied brutality from the antagonist(s) that we are unquestionably convinced that they are evil and malicious. A little over the top kill or two only makes the seemingly serious parts 'seem' more serious but makes the movie more of an exciting coaster rather than the not so exciting unfold events that take place here.

No cool 'creatures' 'killers' or anything of that nature. I suppose the idea is to creep us out but too many other movies (even 10-20 years older than this) had already gone above and beyond what this movie is trying to do years later. So even though it's 3 years older than me, I must say as an 80's child that this doesn't hold up anywhere near the other true giallo titles. And always keep in mind, ratings are numbers and never let them discourage you from seeing something you're interested in; if not just to appreciate other titles more !
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The Factory (V) (2012)
1/10
skip the factory tour
7 January 2013
Imagine an episode of criminal minds or law and order svu that lasts for an hour and forty minutes. Imagine "plot twists" unfolding so predictably that any borderline sophisticated young adult or adult will see them coming. I'm not even good at figuring out 'who's the killer?' that's why i really enjoyed the Scream movies and a few films in the 'Giallo' Italian genre. However, this movies plot is so boring and unimpressive that you will truly feel dumber for having sat through it.

To make a movie with even this kind of budget and have the audacity to try and beef the thing up enough for an extended runtime in what is clearly an effort to lull you to boredom before trampling over every other crime/thriller cliché you've seen in the past 60 years. Less than 2 (on screen) deaths. Very mild violence, mild language, zero nudity, and a completely unbelievable John Cusack starring as the 'tough guy cop trying to find his daughter.' The bottom line is that this could easily have been a Lifetime movie and even though i'm guilty for having sat through a few of those in the past two decades, they're not what mystery/thriller/horror fans are looking for. And they certainly aren't looking for this!

The actress playing John's daughter is very dumpy and not very attractive looking, she looks nothing like the other girls that she's supposedly 'similar' too, i'm assuming her casting had something to do with her being "so & so's" daughter in real life. Her boyfriend looks like a swimsuit model and she looks like a frumpy emo 14 year old troll. I just gotta call em like I see em'
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Sinister (I) (2012)
9/10
a step in the right direction for Hollywood mainstream horror
31 December 2012
Let me begin by saying I have never seen the P.A. movies that are clearly popular to many (but then again, i've never watched any of the Twilights or 5 minutes of a Harry Potter either.) Suffice to say, I like my movies twisted, escapist, and definitely on the dark side of the moon, a little/lot of gore never hurt anyone. One of the things that almost turned me off to this movie was what looked like another reductive Japanese ghost cgi stop motion with excessive Reverb and cymbal crashes during sudden creepy imagery. This movie does resort to that, but to a much more minimal extent than a lot of movies in the past decade.

Thankfully, the movie is rated "R" and while it relies on having few to little sexual proclivities; and actually keeps much of the gore that's shown to be relatively tame. (Come on, there's episodes i've seen of medical dramas that totally surpass half the solid "R' and 'Pg-13' watered down stuff that we pay primo dineros at the movie theater for. At least you guys do, so lazy people like me can summon it in a perfectly legal 'torrent' of magic.

Main character is relatively likable, and despite some questionable initial actions, for the most part makes what seem to be pretty logical decisions despite irrefutably strange and creepy plot folds. Normally found/discovered footage totally turns me of (am i the only person that wishes this years 'VHS' spectacular was a little more like 'Creepshow' from the 80's. Eh, probably. I'm probably the only person that feels that way. *Smacks head*

So give sinister a chance, it's more creative than it is reductive although i'm sure many critics are comparing it to the Amityville Horror. If you're interested in checking out a good after-companion to this film that is still in the same realm but a bit more vintage and certainly interesting: Lucio Fulci's House By the Cemetery. Pretty much the same concept of this but with much more creative gore combined with extremely demented ideas.
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Rovdrift (2009)
2/10
unoriginal and shortcutted
15 December 2012
in an attempt to not slam any other artist's work by being meanspirited, i'll "shortcut" this review in order to keep suit with the film. in it's original language, this is a botched effort to make a scary/gory/exploitation movie. Why? For one, most of the killings (while brutal in nature) have little to no actual gore because the camera pans away to something else so we are staring at boring shots of walls listening to odd dark euro house/poptrance song that's actually the HIGHLIGHT of this film. The lyrics to the song are in English, very repetitive, and if you contrast them in comparison to what's actually occurring in this movie you can't help but wonder if this was in an attempt to foreshadow/be ironic or if the person who produced the song just happen to write lyrics that shamelessly nod to the plot.

About the plot, it's there. It's not pretty, though. The leading actress is not an attractive woman, she is not aesthetically pleasing or remotely likable, and you probably won't care what happens to her - or be even remotely surprised by any part of this movie unless you're a complete newbie to the horror genre. And if you are, please pass this up for one of the many other Tremendous independent/low budget euro films from the past decade(s) that exist. This one weighs the genre down in comparison.
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Eaters (2011)
Consider releasing in the U.S. as "Bulimics"
8 December 2012
Uwe is a director I WANT to like; but don't. I give anyone props who attempts to make a motion picture interpretation of a very niche yet popular Japanese monster/undead shoot'em'up. Uwe "reloads" with a new zombie feature with a lot going for it. Italian, Post apocalyptic undead world *smacks head* deja vu again. *takes meds and focuses*

I made sure to view this with an open mind as I am surely not going to watch the recent slew of shot on video/pov/lost footage films. However, the best aspects of this movie are the looped trance/breakbeat musical segments that accompany much of the 'action' and the zombie fx for most the featured zombies were nostalgic of 80's creative goodness. The film seems to be decently budgeted and doesn't "reek" of being a B movie. The film is in Italian (no dub available yet to my knowledge) so be prepared to read a few subs (the plot is too thin to get lost/not predict what's going to happen) but also expect a decent amount of gore to justify watching.

out of all the attractive European men in the world- we get stuck with two less than impressive looking gents with static personalities. Luckily for them, since I don't know Italian i have really no choice but to assume the vocal talent is on point given the language is so passionate and expressive sounding to a foreigner.

there just isn't anything new here to justify its retelling and closely adheres to the same '28 Days/Dead' theme of surviving through the "aftermath" of an outbreak. Interesting because to me, the most fascinating and cool scenes for a zombie movie are usually during the initial outbreak, with a more epic scope feel that is a bit more relateable, of its time, and engaging. Too many movies meander around the post-zombie revolution or take a shortcut like "an island" or "an isolated facility" which takes what should be a 20-minute segment and stretches it out to fulfill running time obligations. This is pretty much one of those (for me.)

Personally, if you're looking for a good gory zombie flick - check out any of the ROTLD (Return of Living Dead) initial trilogy (1-3 are all amazing in their own ways) or even take a stab at the original (70s) day and dawn of the dead. If you're incapable of watching movies that were made 1-2 decades before you were born, your better off banging your head against the next red box you see after selecting "horror titles."
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9/10
Examine the 'Agony of Ecstacy'
16 November 2012
On the surface this movie may seem like it glorifies drugs; I certainly wouldn't recommend watching it to people struggling with active addiction or are in early recovery from narcotics or alcohol; as this is what A.A. members would say is 'A Trigger!'

It certainly is effective at keeping your attention, then causing you to wonder if your mind has lost its train of thought or if you're just 'missing something.' The only negative thing I will say about this movie is that it takes itself way too seriously, and does come off as self- important.

These filmmakers have not reinvented the wheel they have simply taken a very creative leap in what I, personally, would describe as a hyper- speed David Lynch. Although many may not see the parallel; (the distinctiveness in mood and ambiguously chronological progression/regression) remind me very much of Twin Peaks : Fire Walk With Me. So many movies portray the subject of addiction in an assumed, unresearched way. I'm not saying that a director or screenwriter needs to take drugs in order to explore the topic, he could obviously confer and consort with people who are or have lived 'that life'

I would never personally have the balls to indulge in the types of sensory/reality trippy stuff our main character does. But I was young once, I partied hardy, and was lucky as hell to have the opportunity to recover over 3 years ago almost. This movie, for myself, is a wicked trip down memory lane. You don't need to be high to experience this movie, it effectively creates that feeling very early on and maintains throughout.

one of the many evil paradoxes of addiction progression is that it incubates in your subconscious, and is often activated unbeknownst when the person is the most emotionally fragile. This is not a PSA either, I am for 420 legalization and decriminalization of drug crimes that are victimless.

some parts may seem too long or redundant, and it runs an awful long time so be realistically prepared to take an intermission, or pregame. One of the few movies of recent that felt like a rewarding experience.

sidenote: DEFINITELY not for people that are seizure prone (had me wondering if i was... evil directors)
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10/10
Subs & Uncut Version are a "Necessary Evil"
16 November 2012
I think this is one of those (relatively) unheard of movies that was a bit ahead of the curve so when you do finally stumble upon it it's like a really cool time capsule. This movie was released when I was two, so i'm kinda glad I didn't see it till a bit later in life! Some foreign movies are just so painful to watch with subtitles that we don't give them a chance. Give this 'baby' a chance. It will blow your mind.

Like many other people mentioned it's very 'Fulci'or giallo-esque for a few reasons, including music transposed from Goblin ((thank you those who clued me into that in advance I can totally see myself having been wondering what the hell it was - distracting me in the process.))

One cool thing E.D.T. do better than most Giallos is effectively keeping you guessing what or who exactly the antagonist is. Not in a stupid M. Night Shyamalan ((blechhh)) type of way, one that will most likely surprise and freak you the heck out.

The deaths are creative as hell and out of control in the way only our Japanese friends can so awesomely pull together when we least expect it. The surface plot may trick you into thinking the movie will play out predictably. It does not. Just as this movie borrows a small bit from the genre; there are plenty of things in this movie I can see certain people have taken a nod from (James Wan) came to mind first.

It's probably scarier to non-Japanese viewers because we can't even tell if the actors are good or bad, you don't question their motives as much subsequently. For all I know any Japanese Historian Filmmmaker might say this is an absolute abomination of trashy exploit cinema (That would only make it even more awesome)

Make sure you get the uncut original version so you don't miss any of the extra punches it packs. If you say you saw the end coming - I'm glad i'm not in your head ;)
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