Reviews

Stressed to Kill is a highly entertaining indy thriller/dark comedy. Elements of the plot are reminiscent of Falling Down crossed with Strangers on a Train. Bill Oberst Jr. plays Bill (the role he was born to play!) a stressed out every man who suffers a heart attack and decides to eliminate the causes of his stress . . . permanently.

Marshal Hilton is Stan, Bill's best friend turned enabler, and turns in a terrific supporting performance. I had not heard of HIlton before this film, but I'm now a fan. The more well-known Armand Assante plays the off-his-rocker cop trying to track down Bill. Assante delivers a great, over-the-top performance that reminded me of late career, "I don't give a crap" Marlon Brando -- and to be clear I mean that as a big compliment!

Bill Oberst Jr. is a terrific leading man, and his journey throughout the film is mesmerizing. I thought I was going into "just" an independent thriller, but at times Stressed to Kill is absolutely hysterical. I practically busted my gut in the scene where Bill kills a fat lady in the elevator with a blow dart; trust me, it is worth the rental itself! The tone shifts swiftly at times, for example I was rolling on the floor as Bill dresses up as a little old lady to kill a target at an AA meeting. The sight of Bill dressing up like Irene Ryan from the Beverly Hillbillies had me in stitches . . . but the haunted reaction of Bill and Stan after the murder, a cross between intoxicated satisfaction and "can you believe we did it" horror is top-notch acting, award material stuff.

Stressed to Kill is one to check out for sure!

--Daniel J. Roos

Brenda Starr is based on a long-running comic strip of the same name that I vaguely recall years ago, when I got a newspaper and would turn to the funny pages for Calvin & Hobbes. (For you youngsters out there, newspapers are kind of like web sites . . . on paper!) A 20-year-old Brooke Shields plays Brenda Starr, and at this point of Brooke's career as an actress . . . she's a beautiful woman. We'll leave it at that.

We are introduced to Brenda as a cartoon being drawn by disgruntled cartoonist Mike (Tony Peck, son of Gregory, evidence that talent often skips a generation). In his studio, Mike goes on an anti-Brenda Starr rant directed at his own scribblings of Brenda, concluding with: "I wouldn't even draw you if I didn't need the dough!" In a development that made no sense at the time and makes less in retrospect, Brenda comes alive on the page in front of Mike and quits the comic strip: "I've had it! Who do you think you are? . . . Bug off, buster!" Brenda Starr transforms from animation to Brooke Shields and walks off panel and into her next adventure in live action, which is still happening in make-believe CartoonLand.

I'm not sure what law is preventing the artist from simply drawing the character on paper, but Mike is desperate to get Brenda "back" to save his job. I promise, I'm not making any of this up. Rather than consult a psychiatrist about the mental disorder preventing him from drawing an imaginary woman after she came alive, Mike feels he has to convince Brenda to "come back".

In CartoonLand, Brenda is a "star(r) reporter" for a struggling newspaper known as The Flash in post-World War II New York. She's your typical, chic, spunky gal reporter. Brenda's latest scoop involves a hunt for a former Nazi scientist who has invented super-duper fuel in the Amazon, and whoever gets their hand on the fuel will determine the fate of the world . . . though we know it's just a cartoon where the stakes don't matter.

Mike draws a representation of himself to the exact location where he and Brenda had their spat, precariously perched on the ledge of a tall building. Mike is physically inserted in CartoonLand! I hope you are taking notes, because there will be a test later.

During Mike's odyssey, he stops at a coffee shop where he picks up a paper, and finds a comic strip with his exploits depicted on it, "The Adventures of Mike." The strip shows Mike coming into the coffee shop and reading the paper and having an encounter with a gypsy, which happens moments after he reads that's it's going to happen. So the gag is that in CartoonLand the comic strip shows the antics of a real person.

Now, Mike is a real person currently in CartoonLand, so the idea is that there's a cartoon following a non-cartoon, unfunny cartoonist, but only while he's in CartoonLand, and this strip is capable of depicting events mere seconds from occurring.

Mike ends up tagging along on Brenda's epic scoop hunt. Along the way they encounter lame comedic villains in a group of Russians (including Jeffrey Tambor, who in later years would become funny) and a rival, evil, lady reporter Lips Lipscomb. Brenda is aided by the mysterious, be-eye-patched Basil (Timothy Dalton, poor, poor Timothy Dalton). Basil's purpose in the movie is never entirely clear and his contributions in the story could be replaced by a helpful cab driver.

Basil's presence does add a debonair character with an eye-patch and gives Timothy Dalton a chance to dress like Zorro (no, seriously).

There is a bizarre subplot about Basil's family requiring toxins from a rare orchid or else they'll go "insane before their time," which never comes to fruition. (Incidentally, is there a proper time to go insane? If so, witnessing Brenda Starr may be such an instance.) Basil and Mike vie for Brenda's love. All the while Mike is trying to convince Brenda to come back with him. Again, not to quibble over small details, but I had no clue what Mike means by getting Brenda to come back with him — she is a cartoon character after all, and he's a real person who draws cartoon characters.

Does Mike want Brenda — who he now is madly in love with — to come with him to the real world? If that's the case and assuming it's possible, she was never there, so it wouldn't be coming back, she'd be going there for the first flippin' time! If it meant what I think it does, that Brenda just returns to the comic she somehow walked out on, what matter of consent or participation is required of her? Ultimately, after all the shenanigans are through and Brenda has played the piano with President Truman (seriously), gone through about 813 outfit changes, thwarted multiple spy agencies, skied atop crocodile steeds (again, not a joke), and saved the newspaper, Brenda tells Mike she can't go back with him. This leads to the following conversation:

Mike: "You're not coming with me?" (Brenda shakes head) "At least I'll be able to see you when I draw you every day."

Brenda (smiling): "Only if you're nice."

Mike then somehow returns to the real world, and begins to draw Brenda, the only thing that has changed is that he no longer hates drawing Brenda Starr.

SO WHAT IN THE BLUE HADES DID MIKE NEED TO GO INTO THE FICTIONAL WORLD IN ORDER TO CONVINCE BRENDA TO RETURN WITH HIM? EVEN AFTER HE FAILED MISERABLY HE IS PERFECTLY ABLE TO DO EXACTLY WHAT HE NEEDED TO DO, DRAW A REDHEADED WOMAN ON PAPER! *sigh* Like I said, Brenda Starr is the dumbest movie I have ever seen.

Anacondas: Trail of Blood takes place in the Carpathian Mountains in Eastern Europe, though it looks suspiciously similar to my parents' backyard. I never noticed a film crew back there, but I wasn't over every day, so I can neither confirm nor deny that Anacondas: Trail of Blood was filmed in residential Matthews, NC, but let's start that rumor anyway, okay? The plot involves a crackpot doctor who is cultivating the mythical blood orchid in a isolated shack where he experiments with snakes. The doc's magic blood orchid serum is capable of making snakes grow exponentially and cure cancer, which is why eccentric billionaire John Rhys-Davies, mere days from dying from bone cancer, finances him. The doc is sadly the first victim of his pet anaconda when it breaks loose, and the rampage begins.

Shortly thereafter, a myriad of disparate stories descend on the poor Carpathian Mountains, which never did anything to anyone.

First there's the team of mercenaries sent to retrieve the serum at all costs. Second there's a team of paleontologists going to the area to check on another team that went missing. Third, there's a hiker kid who looks like a younger version of Owen Wilson, without all the muscle mass and machismo that Mr. Wilson brings to the screen, who is in the area visiting his grandmother. Mini-Wilson runs into the fourth set of characters, a team led by the heroine from the previous Anacondas, Amanda (Crystal Allen) who is allegedly trying to destroy the magic blood orchid juice to redeem herself from her sins in the last movie. I honestly don't remember the movie well enough to be sure of what those sins were, but I do recall she killed David Hasselhoff's character, which is inarguably a sin deserving proper penance. Amanda must say three hail marys and appear in five more Sci-Fi Channel original movies.

For the duration of the film, characters manage to successfully outrun the hundred foot snakes. Yet, for some reason, two characters make noble sacrifices to delay a rampaging anaconda for their comrades. Though it is possible the snake was just being sporting, because in the thrilling conclusion an anaconda is able to outpace a CAR.

One locale that plays an important rule in the skulduggery is an abandoned mine shaft lined with fully functioning and operational lightbulbs, though the characters sneaking inside it feel compelled to wave flashlights around anyway. I remind you this is in the middle of the remote reaches of the mountains in Easter Europe where there is no town or discernible source of electricity. This is impressive to me because in my townhouse right now there are two lightbulbs that are out, which I simply haven't gotten around to. Perhaps if General Electric made lightbulbs half as efficient as Acme's Carpathian Mountains Lightbulb Co. -- that run eternally without electricity -- they wouldn't be in the dire straights they're in.

Bottom line: This is one of those so-bad-it's good movies.

Daniel J. Roos film.ispwn.com

This is one of those movies where there is a minimum of one fight or chase scene every ten minutes, and if not for that there's no reason for the movie to exist. Rodman plays Simon, the man whose sezing is responsible for our title. Rodman is a secret agent for INTERPOL who has no less than TWO comedic sidekicks constantly dressed as monks in their monastery base in France. Simon is a motorcycle riding, kickboxing super agent capable of sliding down columns with his legs so that he can shoot guns with his hands. INTERPOL is apparently one of the easiest to work for secret agencies, because Rodman apparently has no mission or assignment to work on until an old schoolmate played by stand-up comedian Dane Cook, because apparently this film needs a THIRD comedic sidekick.

Dane Cook is on a mission to exchange confidential military secrets for his boss's kidnapped daughter, and he brings Rodman along for the ride. The exchange goes bad and Rodman takes charge as any good action-hero does, and together Rodman and the trio of comic relievers try to track down the kidnapped girl and the most ridiculous villain since the Number 23 played itself in the Number 23.

Dane Cook manages to work in his impersonations of dogs, dinosaurs from Jurassic Park, and Chewbacca into the first twenty minutes. Remarkably none of the "bits" that may very well have worked on stage fit into the movie and, furthermore, since they all sound virtually identical, really come off as lame. The only difference between Cook's dinosaur and Chewbacca is that dinosaurs have tiny arms. Apparently someone thought animal noises and kickboxing equaled box-office gold; of course, if that were true, Jean-Claude Van Damme's puppet show in Branson would be a bigger draw than it is now.

Although to his credit Cook gives up on his impressions, one of Rodman's sidekicks (John Pinette) does a similar whale impression, which at least is tenuously related to the film because he is fat. Hilarious, no? About 1 out of 10 of Dane Cook's lines are amusing, but since 10 out of 10 are supposed to be funny, that's not a very good batting average. During a car chase where Rodman and Cook are being chased by the bad guys, and Rodman TWICE drives for an extended distance while tilted on two tires, Cook quips, "These guys are like my college loan officers, they just keep coming!"

There is nothing better in a cheesy action movie than a scenery-chewing villain. This is the one role where it not only acceptable to overact, it is in fact mandatory by Hollywood law. When done right, the actor who hams it up as the villain can steal a movie, as proved by the likes of Robert Patrick in the horrible WWE Films "The Marine" or Christopher Walken in "The Rundown." Our villain "Ashton" is doing an effeminate, impish supervillain that's so bad he'd be more suitable to battle Pee Wee Herman than James Bond. This is the kind of villain who while menacing a colonel he's extorting says, "Colonel, do us all a favor and turn that frown upside down." My favorite is this exchange between Rodman and Ashton:

Ashton: "Guess what we're going to blow up first!" Rodman: "Your ego?" Ashton: "No, but nice try, sailor! The Eiffel Tower!" Rodman: "Why?" Ashton: "Because it's big and it's delicious and I'm tired of looking at it!"

Like any other action star, Rodman gets to dive from a building before it explodes, then walk in slow motion away from the same building as it burns. Just like a real action hero! And as he emerges, his cohorts actually say, "That's our Simon!" Which, if you think about it, is really dialogue more suited for a wacky, 50s sitcom rather than a cheesy, 90s action flick, but that's just my (correct) opinion.

While I've never seen more than short clips of Cook's comedy act and none of his recent starring vehicles, I think he at least adds a certain charm to the film. Rodman doesn't fare so well, though the ridiculous script certainly is of no help. "It ain't over," Rodman growls with what is meant to be intensity. The man really doesn't possess any kind of charisma as far as I can detect. Beyond being a very good basketball player, the only reason that Rodman is famous is due to his outrageous publicity stunts like wearing a wedding dress to a book signing or wrestling in a tag team with Hulk Hogan and thereby degrading brides, books, and professional wrestling (which is hard to do).

Unless you love bad action movies as much as I do, you should stay away from this at all costs. But I do love bad action movies as much as I do, and this is so bad it's actually entertaining.

DJR - For more of my reviews check out film.ispwn.com