Almost Heroes (1998)
Chris Farley: Bartholomew Hunt
Photos
Quotes
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Hunt : I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that *thing* on her neck.
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Jackson : Sir, Higgins has a story.
Edwards : Well, Higgins the floor is yours.
Higgins : This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!
Edwards : You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.
Hunt : Tell him the ending, that's the best part.
Higgins : Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.
Edwards : Clever twist there on the ending.
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[a bear has come into camp]
Bidwell : My nose itches.
Hunt : Don't scratch it.
Bidwell : Feels like there's a bug up in there.
Hunt : You scratch your nose. You're dead.
Bidwell : Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.
Hunt : I think it's leavin'.
Bidwell : I'm going to scratch it!
[begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg]
Bidwell : [shouts] The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!
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Hunt : What I remembered the most were the animals.
Edwards : [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt : Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...
Higgins : [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins : We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!
Hunt : Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt : It's only a squirrel.
Pratt : He's got something in his hand!
Guy Fontenot : Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]
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Execution Witness : I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones.
Hunt : Good God, Lady.
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Edwards : My hands will grow rough; my teeth may yellow. I might even experience a general soreness in the joints. Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, make no mistake. We will face danger from savages and from bears. These bears are wild, mind you. Not trained carnival bears... with...
[falters]
Edwards : ... little hats.
Nicholas Burr : Sounds exhilarating, sir. Few men would have the courage for such an endeavor.
Edwards : I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.
[points to his temple]
Edwards : My mind will protect me. I'm a man of science, a man of learning; a man who knows how to buy the finest books. Fear will be our breakfast, and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon. Eh, Mr. Hunt?
[Hunt is seen eating and drinking messily, then looks towards Edwards obtusely. Edwards is annoyed and embarrassed]
Edwards : ... Mr. Hunt?
Hunt : [with a mouth chock-full of food] I'd be more worried about the Indians than the bears.
[still chewing]
Hunt : It's common knowledge that...
[swallows]
Hunt : that when the savages capture a white man, they will split open his head, pick out his brains, and eat them with a crudely fashioned fork.
[shrugs as Burr and Edwards react in shock]
Hunt : So...
Edwards : [appalled] Have you witnessed such atrocities, Mr. Hunt?
Hunt : [avoiding eye contact] I've... uh... I've s-seen the forks...
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Jackson : I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.
Edwards : I am Leslie Edwards.
Jackson : M'name's Jackson. It's been my lifelong dream to see the Pacific Ocean before I die. Please take me with you.
Hunt : An old bag of bones like you wouldn't make it 100 yards upriver.
Jackson : On my worst day, I could still beat the stuffin' outta you. You... puffed-up crow's cock!
Hunt : No, you couldn't.
Jackson : [to Hunt] I know.
[to Edwards]
Jackson : Please take me with you! I must see the Pacific! Can you deny an old man his dream?
Edwards : I cannot, and I will not.
[Hunt reacts with severe disapproval, shaking his head]
Edwards : Jackson, you may accompany us.
[Jackson is overjoyed]
Hunt : [storms away] Horse's ass!
Jackson : [calls after him] Turd!
Edwards : Help us load the boats.
Jackson : [hurries away] Sorry; can't do. I'm an old man.
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Edwards : Ha ha ha! Great things are in store for us! Soon, we will be on the lips of... well, on a great many influential lips.
[Hunt is distracted by gleefully watching a pair of barnyard pigs having sex]
Edwards : Are you listening to me, Mr. Hunt?
[Hunt smirks and ignores him completely]
Edwards : Mr. Hunt?
[Edwards looks in the same direction as Hunt is and sees the pigs, then reacts in disgust]
Edwards : Ahhhh!
[looks away, in some embarrassment]
Edwards : I believe those pigs would prefer their privacy.
Hunt : Hell, paid good money to see this onstage in Louisville. 'Course -- there, the pigs were dressed like the King and Queen of France.
Edwards : [dryly] Ah; costumes. Legitimate theatre.
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Hunt : Walk to Asia? I like it.
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[When trying to read; repeated line]
Hunt : Muh... Hah-buh...