User Reviews

For their credit, this is one of their more competent pieces of trash, and that's because there's considerably good gore, and an interesting take on ripping off "Snakes on a Plane." But, if there's any more of example of the inconsistency behind Asylum's newest rip-off it's the two characters at the beginning whom are illegal immigrants and can't understand nor speak English to a Texas man sneaking them across the border, yet when they get on a train and meet a friend, they begin understanding and speaking perfect English.

Aside from being a pretty bad depiction of a Hollywood formula, "Snakes on a Train" is utterly boring. At least, with "Snakes on a Plane" we were given the chance to watch actors wax comedic and attempt to be remotely interesting. The Mallachi Brothers installment features some of the most boring characters I've ever seen, from an electrical engineer (gee, I wonder how he comes in handy later on), to some stoner surfers, right down to our two main characters attempting to fight off the snake curse that lurks in the husband's wife.

"Snakes" is never entertaining, and even when it's very gory, it's still never as good as it has the chance to be, because "Snakes" could have been a funny short film, and instead just takes itself much too seriously, and never camps it up at any moment. Instead of taking their small budget and making original films that can set a precedent, they instead force their small budget to work against them in these knock offs. While the Mallachi brothers seem to be trying, the train just looks incredibly artificial.

It seems almost like a stage play with these inconsistent and awfully bland set pieces that try desperately to look like actual train cars, while every so often it shakes, the background of the windows are blurred, and the sound effects go off every now and then to let us know they're actually on a train; not to mention that in such a large extended train there only seems to be about ten passengers on it. And beyond the train fight, and a drawn out sex scene, we're forced to be subjected to a plot that makes zero sense. And not even the directors can work around the fact that the "lethal" snakes that go on this train look far from venomous or dangerous.

The rest of the film staggers onto only about a minute of snake carnage and a bad subplot of an ex drug agent trying to molest a passenger. All of this dull exposition ends with a really ridiculous climax in which a poorly computer generated snake (I saw better animation on the Super Nintendo) completely swallows the train whole, and is then dispensed in a method that should have been exercised from the very beginning. Asylum scores again.

Asylum scores yet again with a hackneyed, lazy, horribly directed, and boring rip-off of another better film. "Snakes on a Train" takes itself way too seriously, and that's why it's never entertaining or memorable.

Upon renting this, I wasn't expecting to be blown away. In fact, I knew it was going to be horrible. It was just seeing how horrible it really was. That's what comes with low budget horror.

"Snakes On A Train", not to be confused with the serpentine summer blockbuster "Snakes On A Plane" with Samuel L. Jackson, is about a woman who is put under a Mayan curse that causes snakes to hatch inside her and devour her from within. Her only hope of surviving lies in a shaman that lives across the border, so she and her companion stowaway onto a train bound for Los Angelas. Throw in a few passengers and hilarity ensues.

Come to think of it, though, the story isn't half bad. Isn't half good, either.

The acting in this film rivals that of a Sci-Fi Original, if not worse. Trust me, it's horrible. The snakes were another problem. They were supposed to be rattlers, I guess, but most of what you get instead are mostly harmless garden snakes that don't attack anything and there's this rattling sound effect that gets really annoying.

The gore effects on the other hand, while not on the Tom Savini level, were actually pretty good.

And another thing, the ending alone makes up for the rest of the movie. I'm not going to talk about it here, so you'll have to rent this and see for yourself.

I would probably want to give this movie a zero if not for the climax, which involves not really Snakes on a Train, but rather Train IN a Snake. The premise was cooked up far more than likely over the course of a night of beers after hearing about Snakes on a Plane in production (this, in fact, was released to coincide with that film's release). The joke is probably not lost on those who will seek this out; I don't think there would be a soul out there who would consider this anything as a serious action-thriller effort (unless on an ironic level beyond the capacity for rational thought). It's about a Mayan curse placed on a woman who's damned by her family for leaving with another man, and is soon seen sickened and coughing up green slime laced with, of course, snakes. She and her beau go on a train headed for Los Angeles, and very soon after the more-than-cliché characters are privy to snakes overtaking the train- with the originator woman becoming a snake herself.

If it would be worth listing more about the movie I would, but there isn't enough time during the day. All that can be said for the quality factor is that it's almost on-existent; there are student short films with larger budgets. Maybe that was a wise calculation on the filmmakers' end, that there would be so many copies sold, just for the joke factor alone, that they would re-coup their budget in the first weekend. Because by looking at the sets (the trains themselves change randomly in the middle of a scene!), the actors (if you can call them that, with only one other actor- the one with the very thin hair who hits on the one woman throughout the movie- who benefited from the flick being produced), the FX (also next to non-existent, making the effects in Snakes on a Plane seem like Star Wars), and the actual CGI snakes themselves, with the final huge behemoth snake something to behold in sci-fi movie channel terms.

This all means, basically, that it is a laugh riot every step of the way (especially, as cruel as it sounds, when a little girl becomes involved in a snake's "attention"), with the very disregard for good taste working well in its favor. This being said, it is also 100% disposable, like a B-movie sour-flavor lollipop.

There are spoilers but trust me, I'm doing you a favor.

My friends and I like to watch crappy movies every so often. Inspired by Mystery Science Theater and our knack for on the spot jokes; We set out to find movies worth watching that are in fact...not worth watching. However trouble comes into paradise when these movies can only be found if you buy them. And I am a firm believer in not giving one cent to such a group of talentless scumbags. So, as another reviewer has said, films like this are a reason why downloading movies for free should be legalized. I prefer the idea of; instead of straight to VIDEO you have straight to INTERNET. That way the ass-bags who made this travesty won't ever turn a profit. Which unfortunately you know they do. They hire a bunch of actors who can't act, special effects from a high school classroom, rubber snakes you can get at the dollar store, constant vomiting of green jell-o, and the two main characters who seem to switch between being border jumping Mexicans who only speak Spanish, to Arabs to being 100% fluent in English, random nudity, a guy being shot like 10 times including one to the side of the head and living and the most retarded ending in the history of film, book, cave drawings and hustler magazine. The fact that I actually predicted that the jell-o puking snake girl would actually TRANSFORM into a snake about half way through terrifies me...

Anyways, the movie is great to make fun of, but you have to make sure there's at least 4 of you and you're all spitting out jokes in rapid fire, because if there's even 1 second of watching this movie where you're not laughing your ass off, you will feel physically ill. I kid you not. My friends and I were eating chicken wings and now I can't even look at such a thing anymore without being reminded of this piece of Sh!t.

This film is one above Alien Vs. Hunter which is by far the second worst movie ever made. And I've seen lots of bad movies. Incidentally, it's the same production company as this film and that bald guy is in both as well. just thought you might like to know that little fun fact. -100 out 0f 10.

...and by better, I mean that it is not complete garbage. Although extremely not plausible, "Snakes On A Train" is entertaining. This movie does, however, have some issues.

First, as the movie opens and we are introduced to Alma and her beau, they are walking through the desert speaking to each other. The problem is, they are speaking to each other in Spanish. Would it have killed the good people at The Asylum to through up a few subtitles, or do they just take for granted that the dialogue in their films is typically meaningless, so why bother?

Second problem with this movie is the directors' blatant disregard for plot holes. When Alma tries to initially stowaway on the train and only has pesos, it's pretty convenient that a childhood friend just happens to be on that exact train, in that exact car, at that exact time to pay her way in U.S. dollars. Question: How do the two Mexican guys get out of the cage unnoticed when Alma and her boyfriend are literally only a few feet away from them at all times? Another question: how does the blonde-haired, drug smuggling young lady NOT know she had been bitten by a snake?

These characters would never been found at your local chapter of Mensa. They are stupid to the point of being special. You cringe when the electrical engineer asks "Do you know what time it is?" when he is very obviously wearing a watch that, if it were any larger, it would be Big Ben. Also, does it ever occur to Alma and her boyfriend that, because she is very sick from the curse, it would make more sense to simply call the Uncle living in L.A. and ask him to come to them instead of making a perilous trek across the country that would put at risk the lives of several other people?

Just a final note to the two Directors and The Asylum: Was it absolutely necessary to cast the Middle Eastern Actor as the sinister looking passenger? The choice borders on cliché' and cultural insensitivity. And finally...IT IS NEVER A GOOD IDEA TO KILL A CHILD IN A MOVIE.

This is really a bad movie. Decent actors given no material to work with, decent camera-work, a premise that could have been fun, special effects of variable quality (the scenes of snakes entering people's bodies are quite well done), and direction with no sense of pace and no attempt at creating suspense add up to...nothing much.

We open with a young Hispanic couple in the desert. The woman is ill, and vomits repeatedly: first disgorging green Jello, then snakes. They get on a train. The plot is in motion.

We meet the various characters and wonder who will survive. Who will be the Last Girl? More importantly, how can the railroad stay in business running a train from El Paso to Los Angeles with a little over a dozen people aboard? There's a young Anglo couple with a daughter about six years old. We know that the parents are dead meat. It's an unpleasant surprise that after the parents are dispatched we see the screaming child eaten alive by a giant snake.

Someone will piously state that bad things actually do happen to children in real life. Sure. But this isn't real life; it's a cheap exploitation movie cashing in on Samuel L. Jackson's big budget thriller, hoping that Blockbuster customers won't look too closely at the DVD box.

The ending is ambitious, but these people didn't have the chops to pull it off. A giant snake slithers across the top of the train, gets ahead of it, and swallows it. Half a dozen characters jump from the train just before the last car is swallowed. Then a magic tornado comes and does something with the snake. Whatever. But it's gone, and the survivors begin walking to find civilization. Of course we see that one woman has a snakebite on her leg, and assume that the whole cycle will start over.

I watched it on Chiller, so I didn't have a rental fee. If I had rented it, I'd have felt like I was robbed.

Most of the dialog is just filler. After all, dialog scenes are cheaper to film than those that involve special effects.

The tagline on the box hails, "100 TRAPPED PASSENGERS... 3,000 VENOMOUS VIPERS!" You almost have to admire that degree of "no chance in hell we're ever going to deliver on this promise" bullshit. I could admire The Asylum's hucksterism more so if they made movies that, well, you know, were good or, at the very least, worth a damn. Haha, and it's what I like about theses movies. They are garbage. You put them in a toilet and then you flush. It worth the price if you are a fan of cheesy movies. It may become a cult classic among many fans. The gore scenes are effectives, there's not much I can say, it's a Z flick that parody the new movie with Samuel L. Jackson, hell, it may be better so who knows!

First of all, I am an enthusiastic connoisseur of B-movies (as you know if you've read any of my other reviews) and I am a dedicated fan of "Snakes on a Plane" even after all the hype has passed. I even have a Snakes on a Plane movie poster in my room. Let me be absolutely clear, "Snakes on a Train" is NOT AT ALL similar to Snakes on a Plane. I was thinking and hoping it'd be like a much cheaper version, but the truth is that it's about as similar to Snakes on a Plane as a shark is similar to a soda can.

I had to watch "Snakes on a Train" out of curiosity. Fortunately, it was uploaded in segments on YouTube so I didn't have to spend any money on it. I still felt a horrible feeling both during and after I saw it. This is a film that truly got absolutely nothing right.

Number one, Asylum Home Entertainment should apologize for false advertising. There are absolutely not "100 Trapped Passengers - 3,000 Venomous Vipers," not even close! There are only about a dozen or so dull uninteresting "passengers" and maybe two dozen snakes (at most) which are garter snakes and ball pythons (so much for the "Venomous Vipers" that the box promises).

Then, the next problem is the extremely boring story that is told in the slowest possible way. A woman has a curse on her and so she vomits snakes up her throat. She vomits them while they are traveling on a train. When the snakes bite other people, they start vomiting out snakes too. And mind you, all of this happens more slowly than a snail crosses the road. It drags on and on and on. There are no panic scenes or action scenes at all (until the very end of the movie that is). No trying to escape from the surrounding snakes, just talking and talking (about nothing interesting) while the woman in back is vomiting up more snakes. Oh yeah, and there is dull "subplot" about a girl delivering illegal drugs and a cop catching her, and predictably the cop is corrupt and is a pervert.

As I implied above, the characters in this movie are extremely dull. In fact so dull, that you wonder how they got hired for a movie, even a direct to DVD movie from the Asylum! The only tiny redeeming quality this movie might have is that the ending is unintentionally funny (I don't reveal endings, even in reviews that I have marked for containing spoilers. You can look that up if you want to know). The rest of the movie is far too boring to be funny, intentionally or unintentionally. Needless to say the sets are awful too, as it looks like they crammed bunk-beds and seats into a long hall way and called it a train.

I feel let down. Couldn't Asylum have at least made a rip off that you could laugh at? I don't know how they thought to make this film. Staring at paint dry for the 91 min. run-time is a better use of your time than watching this garbage.

This movie could have been an awesome b-movie, but instead is just...i don't even know what it is. While you watch it you won't stop saying "wait, what?!". A coursed girl and a boy try to smuggle themselves into los statos unidos by train, until she transforms in a huge viper and swallow the train (What?!). Basically nothing happens for the first hour of the movie. The director tries to introduce other characters and their stories but they're so shallow and bad that you won't even care about 'em. The only thing worth a mention that happens in the first 60 mins is the main character that rips another guy's heart using the Indiana Jones' evil thuggee lord's style. And that's it. Finally, when the clock strikes the end of the 60st minute, something happens: BOOBS. Really. Not that I don't like see topless girls, but hey, you're shooting a movie that s**ks and you want to rise it up a little by showing us boobs? OK, I appreciate that, but at least do it with a girl with nice, round and big ones (no offense Amelia). After that several snakes get unleashed, they start to attack people and the controls of the train break so nobody can stop it to get away from the snakes. I don't even wanna talk about the cgi used in the last scene. It's not worth it. What I liked about this movie, which is what saves it from a 1 out of 10, is that the producers didn't care at all about showing breasts for no reason and having a child swallowed hole by a giant python. Good splatter effects as well in the carved heart scene and in the arm-penetrating snakes one. Don't watch it. It's so bad that it's not even funny.

Watched Snakes on a Plane years ago on DVD & thought it was a pretty good film! The action was on point, the effects were great, the story was simple & straight forward! Overall a great film, however I came across this & bought it second hand on DVD. But didn't get around to watching til now...

The film follows this cultist couple who board a train full of passengers heading to LA. The journey is 16 hours long so they're in for a long haul. But when snakes start to leak out & circulate the train, things start awry fast!

I found the film to be pretty bland & uninteresting. It lacked the colourful, upbeat & insane nature found in its counterpart. The story dragged & the bodycount was weak, even the deaths themselves weren't great & bad executed. The camera work didn't help, it made it harder for you to see how the victims were dying when the camera was flying around erractically.

The chracters were paper thin & boring. Well, a few were alright to be fair, but the rest were just cliches null & void.

The effects weren't bad at all but drastrically took a turn at the end, which really took the pi$$. The film itself while a pi$$ take (pfft, obviously, made by that knuckle head film company Asylum Films) ditched the grounded realism for a zombie, dark magic, sci-fi take on the story similar to its counterpart, Snakes on a Plane. Which to be honest made the film harder to take seriously.

Overall, this campy pi$$ take film was even more pi$$ taking in itself than it needed to be. It could've been better had they lighten the film up, done better camera work, had better chracters, had a better body count & of course kept to a more grounded level when approaching the story. 2/10

Not to be mistaken as the highly touted Samuel L. Jackson vehicle SNAKES ON A PLANE; SNAKES ON A TRAIN is low budget, features no actors(to speak of), but some pretty decent visual effects. An attractive young woman(Julia "Rayanne" Ruiz)does not want to marry someonelse's choice for her husband; so she is put under a powerful Mayan curse that has snakes hatching inside her body, slowly devouring from the inside out. Her only hope for survival is a shaman who lives across the border in Texas. Time is running out for her; and she is put on a train from El Paso to Los Angeles. Before long the snakes are leaving her pain wrecked body and rapidly growing in size. The passengers aboard the train are now trapped and soon to be snacks for the snakes. The finale sequence is no doubt the best of this 91 minute flick. Also receiving acting credit are: Alby Castro, Al Galvez and Giovanni Bejarno.

Last week on Friday, I went to see "Snakes on a Plane" with my friends. It was amazing compared to this horrible film (however, many of the scenes were ridiculously hilarious). Basically, some woman has a Mayan curse where she pukes up harmless harmless garter snakes that, instead of attacking, crawl inside of they're victims. The girl with the bag of coke is pretty hot. On the title screen it says "100 Passengers... 3,000 Venemous Vipers!" Scary, I know. There weren't even 100 passengers on the train. Only a couple of stoners and some other washed out losers. It's worth the five bucks to see the woman turn into a huge CG snake and devour the whole train then get sucked into a huge vortex though. It's just sad that someone would go to such lengths to make a crap film, only to make a few bucks because of the "Snakes on a Plane" craze.

This train-wreck begins with Brujo and Alma crossing the Mexican border. Alma is suffering from some horrid curse that causes her to vomit garden snakes and Nickelodeon Gac every few minutes as well as clench her teeth and mutter nonsense. So Apparently Alma has this uncle in Los Angeles who knows of a cure for her. They hop aboard a train to get there and luckily a friend of theirs pays their way. Alma and Brujo stay in the luggage cart the whole movie since they can't afford upper class seats. Meanwhile in the higher class we see a bunch of nobodies on their way to LA for whatever reasons. A balding guy on a business trip, two girls, one of whom is carrying $5 grand and a wad of cocaine, three stoners, and some Mexicans. The Mexicans rough it up with Brujo and try to take his "weed" which apparently is a sedative for Alma's snakes slithering inside her. They realize that the snakes don't attack, they Enter Your Body Through Your Veins! Very twisted and B-Movie. Brujo saves the guy by ripping out his heart (Temple Of Doom style) and procuring the snake. For some reason he cannot have the snakes harmed or it'll hurt Alma. While this is going on a narcotics expert tries to bust one of the girls and gets a little action (topless) in exchange for not telling about her shipment of drugs. A mystery guy shows up and has a gunfight with him. As a grand finale Alma turns into a vampire, bites her man and then becomes a giant pathetic excuse for a CG snake the size of the train, eats the train and is blasted into a nuclear bomb hurricane whirlwind and disappears. Everyone then heads to LA on foot.

The credits actually say at the end "Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental, and very weird. We suggest moving and/or taking a plane". Odd since a line in the movie from the bald guy is "Yeah, I HATE planes!" The credits go on to say "No snakes were hurt during the production of this screenplay. Only a small child but it's cool." There actually were a LOT of real snakes used in the movie, and all of them very tame. There is actually no scene of CG snakes attacking anyone unless you count the large one, but then it just eats the train and the other fake snake is just the head and it looks like a muppet. The snakes don't really attack anything, they're just...there. One crawls out of toilet paper actually!

the movie isn't funny, isn't scary (as there's no real snake attack), and is just a 'quickie cash-in' which is when a low-budget movie company hears about a big budget Hollywood release, then they rush to put out a similar film, or even a parodic version, for release just prior to, or simultaneously with, the big name flick. The effect of this being that many people will either confuse one for the other, and go see the quickie rather than the 'biggie' or, they will want to see both, for whatever reason... like myself. Avoid at all costs.

I can't believe that anyone would green light this let alone voluntarily star in it. I will never be able to get that 90 mins of my life back.

This has to be one of the worst films I have ever seen. Some films are so bad they're good. This has gone so far round again that's somehow it's so bad it's terrible. I was not exactly expecting much, it being a low budget, bandwagon jumping, rehash of a B Movie, but it still came in way under my expectation levels. Even TV movies have higher production values.

There were (very) poor special effects, shocking dialogue, terrible acting and a completely unexplained plot. Who cursed her and why, why did the 6 inch snakes turn into 15 foot snakes, has anyone ever heard of highly venomous garter snakes or pythons? 100 passengers? 3,000 snakes? So many promises, none delivered.

Some comments would have you believe that this film is worth watching for the last five minutes. It's not even worth a rental. Stay in and watch a low budget TV movie, you'll enjoy it a lot more.

Why was this made? Oh yes, to shamelessly cash in on the internet phenomenon that is SOAP. Shame on you Mallachi Brothers, shame on you

"SHUT THE FRONT DOOR" That's what I said when I was told that Blockbuster got a new movie in called Snakes on a Train. Okay, maybe that's not exactly what I said, but you get the point. I didn't need to know who was in the movie, or anything else. All I knew was that I am renting this movie.

I probably should have asked what it was about though. In retrospect, I don't know if I would have really wanted to watch a movie about a Mayan curse that causes a woman to give internal birth to snakes and have them spit out of her mouth. Nor would I want to see a movie that features a guy who looks strangely enough like a pedophilic version of Leif Garrett.

Anyways, while the curse might be interesting on some levels (well, maybe not), there was still promise of these annoying characters getting eaten or at the very least, killed by snakes. So I was willing to sit through the first hour of very little happening other than a Texas Ranger forcing a girl into a nice little titty grope so she can keep her cocaine, or the Hispanic shaman that likes to occasionally stab people. But then, all hell broke loose, and the girl started to spit out more and more snakes.

*SPOILER ALERT* So everything's going well at the end, and I'm willing to overlook the fact that some of these snakes all of the sudden turned out to be 25 feet long. After all, people are getting eaten, so it's all good. But then all of the sudden, and I'm not going to tell you how because that would ruin the best part, one of the snakes is about 300 feet long. Then it proceeds to squeeze and devour the train, with all the graphic artistry of Serpentaur from the old GI Joe cartoons. Unfortunately, I could not make a Nemesis Enforcer connection with this movie. Anyways, so you would think that a snake that big, who ate a train, would be pretty unstoppable. Well not if you know your Mayan voodoo rocks and have the ability to summon tornadoes from heaven. Yeah, that's all I'll say about that.

In short, this movie is bad. Really bad to the point where you might be numb after watching this, or your brain might hurt. I didn't give this a one, because no matter how stupid it was, it still wasn't as bad as Date Movie. So if you like camp or badly constructed B horror movies, this is the one for you. If you think this will actually be cool like its bigger, more infamous brethren, just walk away from the box if you see it. And I'll leave you with a quote from the movie that should basically sum it all up.

"Snakes can't get on a train!" Because that's just silly. Not like they make stops or anything....

I tried watching this movie at least twice last week before it was released and I had to shut it off both times. The effects were really bad and the acting was no bargain either. The concept of the film is not a bad idea, but the execution is done very bad. I think that the idea of a woman being eaten from the inside by snakes trying to get out was a good idea. If they had a better budget and some actors that knew what they were doing, this film could have been really good. I like movies about snakes and there has not been any good ones since those ones that were made in the 1970's, so what we really need is a good one. Lets hope that Snakes on a Plane will be better.